A Day in the Life of Caregiving: The Full Four‑Part Story

People often misunderstand what personal limits really are. Many believe they can just power through life’s toughest moments, carrying everyone else with sheer grit and willpower. They push through exhaustion, hoping motivation will show up out of nowhere.

A darkly funny, painfully honest glimpse into what happens behind the scenes when someone spits, “You got what you wanted,” at the person holding things together. As someone who has held Power of Attorney and taken the lead role in family caregiving during a loved one's memory decline, I’ve experienced these clashes firsthand. Explore what it really means to hold Power of Attorney as dementia, old resentments, money, and clashing opinions collide.

Being self-reliant matters, but it’s not a magic shield against real life. Most of us don’t realize our own limits. We avoid talking about them, which is exactly why we should.

Finding balance in our personal and professional lives isn’t a luxury; it’s how we stay upright. Balance supports us in the rough seasons and gives us the strength to move toward what matters. Asking for help is not a weakness. When we insist on doing everything alone, we end up drained, empty, and unsure of our next move. Support and stability are not “nice to have”; they’re the scaffolding of resilience.

Having a strong network of friends, professionals, community, and siblings who actually show up can make all the difference. Encouragement and support won’t make life easy, but they do help you get through it.

Realizing it’s okay to ask for help can change everything. Without balance and support, people can get overwhelmed by their situation. Success, in any form, often depends on the stability others give us. Without it, it’s easy to feel lost and empty.

Along with reaching out for help, taking time for your own self-care is crucial. Even small actions—like stepping outside for a short walk, writing down your thoughts in a journal, or pausing to take a few slow, deep breaths—can make a real difference in managing daily stress. If you only have a few minutes, sit quietly with a cup of tea or call a friend who truly listens. None of these habits will fix everything, but they can help you recharge and stay grounded as you navigate the overwhelm.

If the thought of reaching out seems uncomfortable, here are a few ways to start:

- "I'm feeling stretched pretty thin right now. Would you be able to help me with a grocery run this week?"

- "Could you watch Mom for an hour on Saturday so I can recharge?"

- "I'm having trouble keeping our siblings updated. Would you be willing to handle group texts or calls for a while?"

- "I need some advice. Do you know a good social worker or a local support group I could contact?"

- "Things are getting intense, and I need to talk it through. Can I call you later just to vent?"

You don’t have to explain it all or justify why you’re overwhelmed. Simple, direct requests get the ball rolling. Take the first step, even if it feels awkward. Many people want to help and just need to be asked.

“You Got What You Wanted”

Think about the phrase, “You got what you wanted,” said with anger. In this story, “you” is the person who’s been doing the daily caregiving—two brutal years of health decline on top of years of confusion and slow loss before that. Only a handful of trusted people even knew how bad it really was.

That one sentence carried decades of tension and disapproval. It didn’t come out of nowhere. This conflict has been building for years, and, like many families, it has often felt easier to avoid the hard conversations than to walk straight into them.

At the same time, society keeps telling us to push through, not complain, and handle everything ourselves. Just keep going.

Many people believe they can handle everything with willpower alone. When they’re tired, they just push harder. If they hit a wall, they blame themselves instead of seeing it as a sign that something needs to change. But self-reliance by itself won’t get you through a long-term crisis.

Finding balance is key to our well-being. Without stability, both inside and around us, our goals can start to feel out of reach. Asking for help isn’t giving up; it’s a smart way to get through tough times.

When Family Conflict Collides with Care

Now layer all of that on top of family dysfunction.

“You got what you wanted.”

“You can’t tell us what to do.”

The tension in the room is heavy. It feels like a fight is about to break out. This isn’t just a single argument; it’s a pattern that’s been building for decades and is now coming to a head at the worst time.

The misogyny is real. The bullying is obvious. These problems started long before any of the siblings even knew what “dysfunction” meant, let alone how it would show up later in the tough world of adult caregiving and memory loss.

Now throw in the actual professionals involved:

• 3 doctors (GP, neuropsych, cardiologist)

• 2 psychologists

• 2 lawyers

• 2 CPAs

• 1 financial planner

• Alzheimer’s Association (national and state) – www.alzbr.org

You might think we’re some wealthy family with trust funds, yachts, offshore accounts, and a secret plan behind all this bitterness.

But we’re not. We’re just an ordinary, tired, and far-from-rich family.

I know what real wealth drama looks like from the sidelines. I’ve watched it from behind the salon chair: clients unloading about who gets what, who “deserves” more, who’s owed for being the favorite child, the “good” daughter, or the long-lost disappointment.

Here’s the dark punchline: the person who gets hurt the most is usually the one quietly asking:

“How awful was I as a parent to you? This is so disrespectful to me as your parent. I’m not even dead yet—or so far gone that I won’t care who’s left standing in the end.”

Family conflict in elder care often comes down to this: lack of early planning, unclear boundaries, and a total mismatch between expectations and reality.

The Part No One Wants to Talk About

Money, control, and caregiving collide in messy, sticky, painful ways.

Old wounds and ancient arguments crawl out from under the rug the second someone’s health starts to fail. Suddenly, the kid who “never did anything right” has opinions. The golden child discovers boundaries. The invisible one is now in charge of meds, money, appointments, bills—and everyone’s rage.

I’ve seen it for years:

• Siblings who stop speaking.

• Cousins who lawyer up before the funeral.

• Parents who thought they’d done everything “right,” then watch their kids tear each other apart over what’s left.

Now, I’m not just hearing these stories from others. I’m living through one myself.

When Tension Rises: First Steps (When You’d Rather Throw a Chair)

You can feel it when the air changes. Voices sharpen. Someone mentions money. Someone else pulls out a phone “to take notes for later” (translation: to build a case). Your jaw locks. Your stomach flips.

When that happens, a few simple steps, like emotional first aid, can keep things from getting out of control:

• Hit pause. Say, “I need to pause this conversation for a minute.” Step outside. Get water. Lock yourself in the bathroom if you have to. It’s hard to keep screaming at someone who isn’t there.

• Schedule the fight. Try: “This matters. Let’s come back to it tonight/tomorrow when everyone’s calmer.” Even drama can go on a calendar.

• Write it down. Grab a notebook or your phone: “Okay, one at a time—what are your biggest concerns?” People calm down faster when they know they’ve been heard.

• Phone a friend (or a pro). Text someone you trust: “I’m about to lose it. Can I talk this through later?” It gives you a release valve.

If things keep getting worse, bringing in a neutral third party, like a social worker, elder care professional, or mediator, can really help. You don't have to wait for a full-blown crisis to ask for help. Start by asking your loved one's doctor for a referral—they often know trusted professionals who work with families in tough situations. Local agencies on aging, senior centers, and community health clinics are also great places to find recommendations for support. Even a quick search online for elder care or family mediation services in your area can help you get started. For situations that feel urgent or overwhelming, remember that some national organizations, like the Alzheimer's Association, offer 24/7 helplines and crisis support. Reaching out to these resources, especially during the most intense moments of family conflict or distress, can offer immediate help and guide you to the next steps.

You can often find support through:

• Local senior or community centers

• Area agencies on aging

• Elder care organizations

• Legal aid services

• Hospital or care facility referrals

• The Alzheimer’s Association

These professionals have seen families struggle under pressure before. You’re not the first to go through this, and you won’t be the last.

Boundaries: Communication for When Everyone’s Losing It

Setting clear boundaries for communication—like how often you check in, who’s included, when you talk, and how you talk—helps everyone feel less caught off guard.

Even something as basic as: “Updates go in the group text once a week. No more midnight rage calls,” can lower the temperature.

When you’re exhausted, it’s hard to think clearly. You might say nothing and bottle it up, or say too much and regret it later. Keep some ready-made phrases nearby so you don’t have to come up with something new when you’re overwhelmed.

Boundary-Setting Phrases You Can Steal:

• “Let’s agree to update the family once a week by group text so everyone gets the same information.”

• “I need us to take turns speaking so we each have a chance to share our thoughts without interruption.”

• “For now, I’ll be the main point of contact with the doctor, but I’ll share key updates with everyone.”

• “I want to help, but I can’t respond to texts or calls after 8 p.m. unless there’s an emergency.”

• “I’m not willing to be yelled at. If this continues, I’ll hang up, and we can try again later.”

Speak up if you need to. You’re not trying to win a popularity contest with your siblings—you’re just trying to stay sane.

“As you wish” is my personal favorite. It means I’ll let things happen as they will, and I won’t step in to manage it for everyone. You might not realize how often I’m the one reminding people to call, communicate, or answer texts. So if you ask, “I haven’t heard from them, is everything okay?” the answer is: that’s for you to figure out. #iykyk #getaclue

Asking for help doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re trying to protect:

• Your loved one’s dignity

• Your own nervous system

• Whatever’s left of your family relationships

“Do As I Say”: The Long Game of Planning

“They got their inheritance years ago; now they don’t care except when they can bleed me dry. This is why you are in charge. You don’t care who hates you as long as you abide by my wishes, as you did when you managed the salons.”

Translation: You’re the one I trust to piss people off in my name.

“Do as I say.” Yes, ma’am vibes.

All the professionals were hired years ago. Some of those relationships now span decades. The POA was not making shit up after a bad holiday and a few hurt feelings. None of this was casual.

It was planned around September 1997. I remember because she sat me down and explained that our business partnership needed to actually mean something—in case something happened to her or to the person she chose to finalize affairs. Death, dementia, disaster—pick a door.

Her father “fathered” her memory care journey. Watching him lose himself taught her one thing clearly: you plan early, or someone else plans for you.

In her family, the odds of developing memory issues were high. No cure. No miracle. Just a clock ticking.

Every week, the news about her father’s health got worse—Alzheimer’s. The nursing home was not hopeful. His wife was exhausted. Timeline: 3–4 weeks.

She felt the urgency, not only to protect her small business, but also to protect the person she chose to be in charge when things got tough.

Her instincts that day were spot on. I thought she was being a bit paranoid, but I still showed up, along with her attorney and the finance guy. She didn’t have much, but she was proud to have built some modest success after tough choices and regrets.

Honestly? It was a boring conversation for a 22-year-old salon owner with a national teaching gig and a mini fan base. I wanted hair, not healthcare, on my agenda.

But that slow, grown-up conversation turned out to be one of the most important of our lives.

Her version of Alzheimer’s Care 101 was blunt:

“Sit down with your loved one and plan for the future before the future slaps your clueless ass.”

Alzheimer’s Care 101: Plan Before the Crisis Hits

Planning feels cold. Unloving. Morbid.

It’s not.

It’s love with a deadline.

If you’re not sure how to start, here are some conversation openers that are honest but not terrifying:

• “Have you thought about what kind of help you’d want if things ever changed with your health?”

• “Can we talk about how you’d like things to be handled if you ever need extra support?”

• “Are there any specific wishes you have about your care or your home if we ever need to make changes?”

When you start, keep it simple. Focus on:

• Care preferences – What matters most if their abilities change? Staying home? Not being alone? Not being a burden? (Spoiler: they’ll say that last one.)

• Money and resources – What’s actually available for care? You cannot pay for luxury memory care with vibes and denial.

• Legal documents – Power of Attorney, will, and anything your state requires.

Clarity early on gives everyone a starting point and spares you some of the stomach-turning surprises later.

If your loved one resists (most do), start smaller. Remember, resistance is often rooted in fear, anxiety, or a sense of losing control over their own life. These conversations can stir up emotions about loss, vulnerability, and the unknown. Give them space and show patience—sometimes the best tool is quiet empathy while they work through their feelings.

• Talk about short-term “what ifs.”

• Make temporary plans: “For the next six months, if X happens, we’ll do Y.”

• Bring in a trusted friend, advisor, doctor, or clergy member—someone whose voice they trust.

It may take several gentle attempts. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means they’re scared.

You could also try:

• “I know this isn’t easy to think about, but would you be open to sharing what matters most to you if things start to change?”

• “Could we talk about what makes you feel comfortable and safe at home, just in case we ever need to make adjustments?”

• “If you ever want to write down your wishes, I can help make sure they’re followed. There’s no rush, but I want to get it right for you.”

Think of these as tools to help start tough conversations. They open the door without causing a big scene.

Get Affairs in Order (Before the Drama Starts Casting Calls)

Her list was simple but strong:

• Power of Attorney

• Will and testament

• An executor who actually understands the job (and won’t crumble under pressure)

If all of this sounds confusing, here’s the straightforward version:

• A Power of Attorney (POA) gives a trusted person legal authority to make decisions for someone else, usually when that person can no longer do so. Translation: when life gets weird, and paperwork starts multiplying.

• A will explains how a person’s property—money, home, sentimental items—should be handled after they die. In the end, what still exists is what’s available. If it was liquidated early to pay for care—or given away in a fog of early Alzheimer’s with “helpful” encouragement from people who benefited—you don’t get to fight over it. The gifts were given before death.

• An executor is the person chosen to ensure those wishes are carried out, not just debated over a group text.

Start with an honest, slightly awkward conversation:

• What kind of care do they actually want?

• Who do they trust with money and health decisions? (Not who should be trusted. Who is.)

• How do they want their assets handled? Equal? Needs-based? Half to the kids, half to the cat rescue?

Once you’ve got the basics, gather key paperwork:

• A list of assets (accounts, property, anything big)

• Insurance policies

• Bank and financial contacts

Then talk to an estate planning or elder law attorney. Laws vary by state, and “I saw it on TikTok” will not hold up in court. Choosing the right attorney can feel overwhelming, but a few steps make it much easier: start by asking trusted friends, family, or professionals for referrals. Always check credentials and confirm they are in good standing with your state bar association. Remember, a trustworthy attorney should be willing to answer your questions clearly and should not pressure you into making fast decisions.

To make things less intimidating, here’s a quick checklist to get started:

- Gather the important documents you have on hand (IDs, any existing wills or POAs, insurance info, a list of assets, and key contacts).

- Write down your biggest questions or concerns you have—such as who should handle finances, what care is wanted, or how you want things managed if someone is unable to decide for themselves.

- Schedule a consultation with an experienced estate planning or elder law attorney, and bring your documents and list of questions. You don’t need every answer before you go—the point is to get expert help guiding you through the process. Just preparing these basics ahead of time will help you feel more confident and ready for your first meeting.

An attorney can help:

• Create a legal POA

• Draft a will that clearly reflects your loved one’s wishes

• Officially name an executor

Some states offer standard forms online, but a lawyer is gold when you have:

• Complicated families

• Second marriages

• Step-kids

• Estranged relatives

• Or that one person you know will lose their mind when they don’t get what they assumed was “theirs.”

Once everything is signed and notarized, keep the documents safe but accessible, and make sure the right people know where they are.

Taking care of these details helps protect you from people who might take advantage. You become harder to pressure and less likely to fall apart. Her advice was clear: girls need to know how to defend themselves financially, emotionally, and physically.

We ended up with financial and physical living wills and all the grown-up paperwork I never imagined we’d need so soon. One of my clients, an up-and-coming corporate attorney, helped make it happen—estate planning for a broke-ass estate.

And honestly? That “broke-ass estate” planning has saved us over and over again.

The Love Underneath the Paperwork

From the outside, it might look like:

• Too many professionals.

• Too much paperwork.

• Too many boundaries.

• CONTROL.

From the inside, it’s not about drama. It’s about survival. It’s love expressed through legal planning. Call it control or call it preparation, but it’s what helps soften the blow when things get out of control.

My advice: go for it. Speak up and stay strong. My rough experience doesn’t have to be yours. If you can get everyone involved at the right time, you might avoid disaster or at least make it easier to handle.

This planning doesn’t erase hurtful comments or magically fix relationships. It doesn’t stop people from saying, “You got what you wanted,” like you’re some cartoon villain swirling a brandy in the corner.

But it does give you a backbone when the storm hits.

When someone spits, “You got what you wanted,” you can quietly remember:

No.

She got what she asked for.

I’m just the one standing in the line of fire to carry it out.

What a Day in This Life Actually Looks Like

It’s not just big conversations and legal documents. It’s:

• Early alarms.

• Sink-stopper debates that somehow turn into World War III.

• Paperwork that was signed decades ago.

• The whispered insults.

• The tiny, ridiculous wins—getting meds taken on time, a shower without a fight, a five-minute nap.

• The stubborn, fierce love that keeps you showing up anyway.

If you’re somewhere in this story—

• at the beginning with the early alarms,

• in the thick of sink stoppers and outbursts,

• or knee-deep in family conflict and paperwork—

—You’re not alone.

You’re doing more than you know. And it matters more than they will probably ever say out loud. If you feel overwhelmed, angry, or even resentful at times, that is completely normal. Caregiving in the middle of family tension isn’t easy for anyone, and every feeling you have is valid. You’re not alone in this. Connecting with others who really understand can help lighten the emotional load. Consider joining a caregiver support group, either in-person or online, so you can share experiences, swap advice, and realize you truly aren’t the only one going through this. Peer support can be a lifeline in reducing isolation and helping you feel heard.

You may never get a “thank you” big enough to match what you’re holding together. You may get criticism, silence, or that knife-twisting line: “You got what you wanted.”

But every boundary you set, every document you sign, every hard conversation you have in the name of your loved one’s dignity—

That’s love, too.

Plan early. Protect fiercely. Use humor when you can. Cry when you have to. And remember:

You’re not the villain for honoring their wishes.

You’re the one making sure their voice still matters, even when they can’t speak as loudly for themselves.

That’s not selfish.

That’s sacred, unpaid, under-credited work.

And you’re doing it.